Standup at Grovewood Bar

Stand and Deliver With Bill Squire

Stand and Deliver with Bill Squire

Shameless plug to another thing

Hey, if you stumble across this blog and you're interested I also have a podcast over at

http://adhomattackshow.podbean.com/feed/

On The Issue of Vending Machines In Schools

I'm tired of politician's wives telling me my kids need to exercise more like they're training for the Olympics while their better half makes weird deals with soda companies to pass laws that let them put cans of sugar acid in vending machines next to the water fountain.Then people tell you to teach them better choices and let the free market do whatever it wants. I'm trying to teach them better choices but they're teenagers. I'm a little busy trying to keep them from beating off all over the house and not developing any crazy fetishes. I'm sorry I can't hold their hand all day and keep them from choosing a cold can of sweet sugary nectar over piss warm water.
 I'd need to clear the security every morning we have to  have there to keep guys from shooting up the place. Also. I'd need another source of income. Probably some socialist bullshit like Welfare or unemployment or social security. Maybe all parents should do this. Maybe they should carry guns and a good guy badge too all day and we can walk around protecting our kids from bad things at gunpoint. DOESN'T THAT SOUND GREAT?

OR this group of  partisan hacks that keep getting re-elected for decades at a time could quit making shady deals with corporations and I can keep working and they can keep learning. Leave that bullshit at the store where I do have time to go with them.
Oh and maybe let the wife run for an office instead of giving her cutesy government programs to be the pretty face of. Not cool that your woman is your fall guy for stressed out parents.

While we're here maybe cut it out with all the campaign money. You don't need all that to get a word out anymore. Have you seen youtube? A guy got millions of views on there just by repeating WHAT WHAT IN MY BUTT a bunch of times. It was weird. Cultural phenom level. Maybe try being interesting and honest with people and quit talking like an asshole all the time. 

There's A New Hose In Town

Cheer up gang!  There's a new water hose on the market that will revolutionize the way you think of water hoses; the top brass water hose, guys. It's a quarter inch by 50 feet, expandable water hose. It's easy to use and easy to put away. It's pretty amazing. Just when you thought the water hose couldn't be improved upon, Top Brass water hose.
            Someone, probably a guy or gal named Top Brass, looked at the old water hose (one that doesn't expand), and they thought, “fuck this shitty non-expanding water hose.I COULD DO BETTER. I'm an American, and I can't deal with this over rated water delivery system for another minute. No, from now on, I want the water from my outdoor faucet used strictly to water plants and hose down my concrete sidewalks, to get to the other side of the yard in style, and to collapse in on itself when I'm not using it.
What's more is, I want to be able to put hundreds of pounds of pressure on the nozzle without it getting crushed like some kind of weak little jerk off water hose nozzle.'
              So when you're sitting in front of your computer all sad and annoyed at the fact that the comments section of an article giving out tips for iPhone users devolved into two guys fiercely debating and calling each other names over whether Apple or Samsung had the better interface, or you see a hashtag movement to replace a comic book cover gain the support of thousands of people, and you just wish anyone gave a shit about anything real anywhere, remember; this hose expands when you're using it, and it collapses when you're not using it. It practically puts itself away when you're done

What Are You Nerds So Mad About?

The very first comic book I ever read was a Batman/Superman team up. I was five and I found a stack of comics in a basement we shared with our neighbors. Every since then I have been a huge fan of comic books and more specifically DC Comics. I have collected the books, watched the cartoons, movies, owned lunch boxes and have even written some fan fiction of my own.

 My favorite stories have always been the crossovers and my favorite aspect of that is the idea of a shared universe where all those characters live in one big amazing world and bump into each other buying milk or at the laundromat while washing their costumes.  Marvel has done a great job of bringing that the big screen and with the success of Man Of Steel DC is making moves to do the same. One would think it would be a great time to be a fan of either one but I have noticed an especially high level of anger and outrage from DC Comics fans.

I don't get DC Comics fans.The only blogs, comments, news sites I come across when I'm looking around are full of  negative remarks but someone is keeping this company afloat. I've seen very few people say anything positive about Batman V Superman and all they have to go on is a couple of color muted pictures of Ben Affleck in a pretty great looking Batman suit and one picture of Wonder Woman that looks a lot like, well, Wonder Woman.

A few years back DC wiped out their continuity and rebooted the entire line of comics. (with a few caveats tossed in for certain characters). Fans were peeved to say the least. I think what has really happened is a lot of people have been mad at DC every since the reboot, went into MOS with that in mind and then the Affleck casting pushed them over the top into full on nerd rage.

I have enjoyed the shit out of the post reboot DC continuity and liked Man Of Steel. To be fair, I might be in a place in my life where I needed my comic book characters to do some changing and slate cleansing for inspiration but that is a whole other blog post. I should mention that the Green Lantern was pretty disappointing for a lot of fans as well but if we're being optimistic about this GL could easily be dismissed as the Incredible Hulk of the DC Cinematic Universe.

 Every announcement from DC(WB films) is met with knee jerk negativity. I saw people complain how skinny WW looks. I saw one article where they were saying how bad Affleck will be based on the idea that he was seen out at a restaurant having a drink and a cigarette so he can't possibly be taking the role seriously.What do people want Affleck to be doing? Suiting up and fighting crime to prepare for the role?

DC fans make me miss the days when we didn't know shit about a movie until it came out. Especially this far in advance. I was probably eight or ten years old when the 89 Batman came out and I had no idea it was happening until I watched it.

Maybe I'm wrong and maybe Superman V Batman will be the Coyote Ugly of Superhero movies. (That means really, really bad.) In the meantime, there's a movie being made with Superman and Batman and Wonder Woman and then it gets even bigger with the Justice League and sequels to all of these movies. So I'm going to go ahead and be excited about that. The worst case scenario is that we get a Superman Batman movie with great effects and not much of a story. But I have already seen Batman and Robin with George Clooney multiple times and it can't possibly be worse than that.

My Guide to the American Dream

Years 0-5 
This is not a bad time. Mostly being fed and learning basic human behaviors like walking , talking and not shitting yourself. Develop a taste for processed foods.

Years 6-10
 Things are starting to pick up. You start school and start to act more like a person. There's less crying and shitting yourself has almost completely stopped. Keep eating processed foods.

Years 11-15
These are very busy years. You go to Middle School and start High School and also spend roughly the last two years of this time masturbating. You go years at a time without shitting yourself. Your parents get you involved with sports and hobbies to counteract the processed foods.

Years 16-21
The latter half of puberty. You spend a huge chunk of this time masturbating in between getting your Driver's License, graduating High School and starting College. You think you know who you are by now but you don't. You may have shit your pants once or twice when you first start drinking legally. Add alcohol to your processed foods.

Years 22-30
Finish College and start climbing the corporate ladder.For the first half of this time you drink a lot because you have a hard time accepting that it is time to grow up and start thinking about retirement and buying a house. You get married, take out loans and start talking about having children to fill up the house you're paying off for the next 30-40 years.

Years 31-50
Work and drive kids around to their activities and hobbies. Get your butt checked by a doctor, beat some kind of cancer caused by the processed foods and continue thinking about retirement. Go on short lived diets and maybe spend one week out of the year either on a  beach or at home doing renovations on the house you're still paying off.

Years 51-65
Pay off house.Think about retirement. Start shitting pants again here and there.

Years 66-90
Mostly watch all of your friends die off and shit your pants.

Years 90 and above
If you're still alive you did it wrong.