Years 0-5
This is not a bad time. Mostly being fed and learning basic human behaviors like walking , talking and not shitting yourself. Develop a taste for processed foods.
Years 6-10
Things are starting to pick up. You start school and start to act more like a person. There's less crying and shitting yourself has almost completely stopped. Keep eating processed foods.
Years 11-15
These are very busy years. You go to Middle School and start High School and also spend roughly the last two years of this time masturbating. You go years at a time without shitting yourself. Your parents get you involved with sports and hobbies to counteract the processed foods.
Years 16-21
The latter half of puberty. You spend a huge chunk of this time masturbating in between getting your Driver's License, graduating High School and starting College. You think you know who you are by now but you don't. You may have shit your pants once or twice when you first start drinking legally. Add alcohol to your processed foods.
Years 22-30
Finish College and start climbing the corporate ladder.For the first half of this time you drink a lot because you have a hard time accepting that it is time to grow up and start thinking about retirement and buying a house. You get married, take out loans and start talking about having children to fill up the house you're paying off for the next 30-40 years.
Years 31-50
Work and drive kids around to their activities and hobbies. Get your butt checked by a doctor, beat some kind of cancer caused by the processed foods and continue thinking about retirement. Go on short lived diets and maybe spend one week out of the year either on a beach or at home doing renovations on the house you're still paying off.
Years 51-65
Pay off house.Think about retirement. Start shitting pants again here and there.
Years 66-90
Mostly watch all of your friends die off and shit your pants.
Years 90 and above
If you're still alive you did it wrong.
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